Updated: Feb 27
1. He has a lack of empathy.
2. He presents exploitive behavior in an interpersonal fashion.
3. He has a need for excessive admiration from others.
4. He has a sense of entitlement.
5. He demonstrates arrogant behavior and negative attitudes.
6. He's envious of others.
7. He thinks others are envious of him.
8. He believes he's unique, special and superior and that only people of high status or that are members of prominent institutions are capable of understanding him or worthy of associating with him.
9. He's always engrossed with being preoccupied by fantasies about ideal love, power, respect, endless success, intelligence, wealth and beauty.
10. He has a significant sense of self importance.
If your lover presents a few of these traits it’s cause for some concern or maybe can serve as just a warning to proceed with caution but it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a “Narc”. I’d published this blog a few years ago but in recent years I’ve noticed on social media, on tv and other places that people are misusing the word and I decided to revise and re-publish it to clarify my message. It’s a relatively new popular term that’s become overused. Truth is we’ve all presented one or some of these behaviors at some point so don‘t be so quick to assume that just because I‘m feeling entitled or important today that I’m automatically a narcissist. Don’t do that. To help you have a more clearer understanding of what defines a narc, please continue reading.
NEED ME TO BE MORE SPECIFIC?
Okay. Let's continue reading, if you're up for it. If he (or she) presents ALL TEN of the traits I've mentioned above OFTEN, to the point that you‘ve come to expect such behavior from them and you can almost predict how they will behave in certain situations, it's likely he (or she) is a Narc and won't ever change and you should decide now if you can deal with some or any of this behavior at all....til death do you part. As for me? Oh hell naw! I had to get the hell away from him, quick, fast and in a hurry! The best way to love a Narc is from a distance.
Personally I took as much as I could take and after about eight years and three kids, you know what I had to do? RUN!! I ran for over 18 years. But it wasn't that simple. Something really extreme had to happen in order to wake me out of my nightmare. It took me about eighteen years after we separated for me to finally reach my destination, my peaceful and happy place; and when I finally did reach it, it was too little, too late. My kids and I were already deeply affected and we still suffer today with serious mental health issues that cause constant disruption in everything that we do. Today he still steals my joy even though he's absent from my life and I continue to struggle with reaching my goals. Eight years was too damn long to stay in an unhealthy relationship with someone that behaves like the devil, but I didn't realize what I was dealing with at the time which is why I'd never judge someone that's dealing with any form of abuse. It was like I was under an evil spell that I just could not snap out of. Today I know that there's a name for his unruly behavior that I've described so far today and right now I'm bout to break it all the way down. If you recognize any of the behavior below please don't try to deny it or make excuses or exceptions for it. It is what it is so if you got the shitty end of the stick in your relationship, what do you do? RUN dammit. RUN LIKE HELL! tf out of there!
So anyway....If your guy tends to lie, embellish a story, withhold information or deny the truth in a way that causes you to doubt your own judgement about a particular situation in a single moment or slowly over a period of time it's read flag number #1. He'll tell you that you’re being too sensitive or that you're over reacting. After awhile you begin to believe that mess. For years I thought I was the crazy one. He'd convinced me of that every time he'd lie...which was pretty much every time he opened his mouth.
Never, ever, injure the ego of a person like this...especially when you bring to light his darkest, most evil secrets and reveal his false image to others (like I'm about to do when I write my book) oooooh...he's gonna come for you with no mercy and he won't quit until he gets his REVENGE! Please realize that he's gonna aways feel that he's never wrong and anyone that disagrees better be ready to catch his thunderous fury! He will forever hold a grudge against you and you will never, ever be forgiven. He's not able to simply forgive and forget. Oh no. I wish it were that simple. You will be punished because he won't stop thinking about ways to carry out his revenge until his attempt is successful. You will pay for disagreeing with him. You will pay if you go against him in any way! He feels that he has the power to enforce consequences against you. Know that. So if you recognize this behavior in your guy, RUN!!!
He doesn't care about your feelings or hitting below the belt or even crossing your respectable boundaries... so you can forget that Jack! But you better believe he expects you to respect him and care about his lil hurt feelings. #doublestandards
He attempts to confuse you when you begin to suspect he's being dishonest. He'll divert the problem right back to you and have you thinking it's your fault. He'll change the subject to talk about irrelevant things and act as though he's forgotten every damn concern you just shared two seconds ago. It's like you're going round and round in a never ending circle with your argument until you finally give up because you're not getting anywhere. He wins. That was his goal, after all. He knows exactly what he's doing. Trust me. Bamma!
If he thinks he deserves special treatment, or that the rules don't apply to him and/or he's an exception to the rule...RED FLAG. Examples include, but are not limited to: cutting people off in traffic, cussing people out in traffic, not paying people back money that is owed (yup. he'll claim he forgot), missing appointments, avoiding to pay child support by not providing truthful information employment, etc... and overall being unreliable and feeling entitled to behave in such a way. He actually believes he works harder than everybody else and that he deserves recognition and VIP status for being so unique and special. He'll always be that way. It's annoying as hell. The best thing to do is RUN!!
They feel they should have whatever the hell they want, whenever they want it and however they want it just because...and I’m like, “Because what fool? Why?” Well because he's "special" and he doesn't owe you no damn explanation. If you don't like it or if you dare to say NO there's likely to be some problems and repercussions! They absolutely HATE the word no. They will become furious, belligerent and even throw a child-like tantrum that bubbles over into a fiery fit of uncontrollable rage....If you can't imagine what that looks like, think about the terrible two's when they're spoiled rotten and want you to pick them up all the damn time or when they want a cookie or something...you know how they be all on the floor kicking and screaming and throwing things? Yeah. He's like a freakin man child. No man should be throwing a hissy fit like that! Mine did tho. I kid you not. He'd lie his ass right out on the floor kicking, screaming and crying. Lawwwwd I'm so glad those days are over.
They need to be in complete control over their lover (or whatever you are to them). They make the rules and call all the shots. He can break your rules but you better not break his....Now that’s not really playing fair, is It?
He has a superiority complex and a strong desire to control you. As a result, your independence will gradually diminish until there's nothing left, leaving you feeling needy and leaving him feeling powerful. Your weakness gives him pleasure. If you ever get the balls to show him that you don't need him anymore, he most definitely will be devastated. You know what my X once told me near the end of our relationship? He said his biggest regret was getting me a car. He said he felt that he’d stabbed himself in the foot when he did that. Ain’t that some shit?? To guys like that, the idea of you leaving or moving on makes them feel as though you've shrunk um down to an average man with limited powers and capabilities. The result? Jealousy and envy which then leads to hatred. Just like satan himself, he's super cool with having an evil spirit and therefore he has no love or empathy for your Godly soul....RUN! RUN!!
He's very sensitive to criticism because the fact is they're living a lie. They act as though they have lots of confidence and self esteem but everything you see on the outside is secretly the exact opposite on the inside and he'll spend his life protecting that truth at all costs. His strategy is to get you before you can get him. Truth is he's a very fragile and weak soul and therefore he doesn't have the capacity to deal well with disappointment. For this reason, he can't ever, EVER be trusted. You can never depend on him for anything.
He's extremely selfish and even though he does't experience empathy or have an empathetic bone in his entire body, he does know how to pretend he has empathy for someone in order to get the result he wants. Rather than sharing his feelings with you and being vulnerable, he'll project every bit of his own negative and unwanted feelings onto you. Every single thing he hates will stick to you as negative energy. That's his version of sharing his feelings with you and his method has great purpose because once he's done this to you repeatedly, he'll eventually be able to manipulate you into believing that YOU are the problem and that nothing is ever his fault. He'll even go as far as using guilt trips and emotional blackmail to get you to believe his lies. It's so easy for a person with a heart of gold to fall for something like that. I think it's even tougher for their kids because that's their father. Side note: It doesn't matter if you're his family, his wife, his mother, his Pastor or even his kids. If you step into his path the wrong way then you too will experience his negative energy and be influenced by his evil spell.
He's never, EVER remorseful and shows very little guilt for his actions or for the result of such actions. Remember, there's a difference between feeling remorseful and pretending to feel remorseful. Don't get it twisted as most do. He's actually a hell of an actor as I mentioned earlier. He's so good in fact, I've tried convincing a friend of mine that her guy wasn't feeling any guilt or remorse for all the abuse and mental anguish he'd caused and because he'd been using his manipulative techniques on her for so long, she was under his spell so she argued with me and defended him. She just didn't want to believe it. It's really hard to get people to snap out of it long enough to take a step back and see what's really going on. He'll never be regretful or sorry for any of the bad things he's done or for any of the hurt he's caused...now that you've been warned....RUN!!
He's gonna hook you in by making you believe that he can be trusted and that you can believe in him but it's all an act. Please know that. He's a master manipulator and can come across as being very genuine, sincere and quite charming. He can make you believe he has it together. He'll make up lies about his accomplishments or about how much money he has or about how good of a friend or a father he's been. He'll win over your heart and your faith in him and suddenly you'll begin to believe he loves and cares about you and then with a blink of an eye his true colors become unmasked. He’s so clever that it will take quite some time to catch on to it. My X use to always say, “I’m the smartest dummy you’ll ever meet” Then he’d chuckle as if he was proud of that. He’s always one step ahead of you, it seems. While you’re thinking about regular day to day shit, he‘s constantly thinking about how to get over or plotting out new ways to make a fool of you. By then you've already been sucked in and tricked into thinking you need him until that day you finally realize you don't and then you RUN!!! Yes! Good for you! Lol.
He will neglect his obligations on purpose. I spent years trying to get my X to pay child support and to date I'm still in the hole and my kids are fully grown but if I flip the script and don't pay him back or if I try any of the dishonest behavior that he get's away with, there's a double standard. He can do it. You can't. That's just how it is. RUN!!! Reclaim your independence. Get your life back. See a therapist if you need to. He will never change and he'll be a waste of your precious time and energy. I know all this may be hard to believe or accept when you've already fallen for someone like that but please believe me. Save yourself while you can. You have two legs? RUN!! You in a wheelchair? ROLL! If you're foot hurts HOP! Got a bike?....You get the idea right?
You need to get the hell away from that negative energy that's already seeped deep down into your loving soul and conflicted your ability to see the logic in this. It's not too late to start again. You're never alone because you and I are just two of thousands of people that have experienced this. Don't be afraid. Step out on faith and consider that volatile and hostile relationship a lesson learned and a thing of the past. That's what I did and now here I am writing about it. I've already forgiven him so now I no-longer write out of anger and hurt. I write to bring awareness to the issue. I write for the same reason I sing and coach singers and music artists and that's because it helps to heal my own injured mind, body and soul. Your future will be much brighter without him and your life will be better off because unlike him, you have the ability to forgive and you are willing and no longer ashamed to seek the help from a therapist so that you can begin to heal, recover and achieve all the things God created you to achieve. Love, joy and peace. I was about 29 when I started my journey without him. It's been over 20 years now.
Well if you've not figured it out by now this blog is about narcissistic traits to look out for. As I mentioned previously I have tons of experience from dealing with a #narc in a former marriage and I'm actually in the process of writing a book about my 20 year experience and I'll have a sneak peek available soon right here at SingingFlat.com where I'll have #ABlogForEveryVoice